Snap judgment is like fertiliser that supercharges the growth of insecurity and tunnel vision.
I met a guy in 2014 who challenged me to literally confront the idea of “not judging a book by its cover”.
This guy’s cover was well decorated.
Head to toe tatts, a rather sharp tongue and painful looking facial piercings.
My judgy judgyness was so swift that I made a series of subconscious assumptions about him, his life, his interests and likely occupation without even meaning to.
As I fell in to conversation with this guy I watched him bundle my assumptions up and toss ’em out the window.
He was one of the most fascinating, intriguing and thought-provoking individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.
And since then, I have adopted a life mantra…
NO JUDGY JUDGY.
It’s surprisingly hard to be no judgy judgy…
Through no fault of our own, humans are programmed to internalise automatic assumptions.
But I’m sick of snap judgment. Tired of people’s presumptions and disappointed by discrimination.
I have decided to use three examples to illustrate my point.. in the hopes that others may adopt the no judgy judgy life.
These are all experiences I have had.
Ignore the job title
It’s an easy opener, “so what do you do?”.
One simple little loaded question. It’s hard not to be impressed if someone drops the surgeon or astrophysicist bomb, but so often a person’s occupation will give weight to their date-ability and future potential. I wonder how people would respond if we asked “so what makes you happy?”
How many people would reply with their occupation?
We are so often blinded by status and financial prosperity that we leap over the emotional or intellectual wealth of those with hobbies or interests which genuinely inspire them.
Why not look for someone provoking?
One who gets us to really think while strolling along the beach. We may not be enjoying a fancy dinner or rolling in a Royce, without the coin it’s not an option, but I’d rather be intrigued than indulge my taste buds while my mind grows stale.
Stop branding people creepy
So something pretty outrageous happened to me recently…
I had a note left on my car.
“Hello. I have seen you many times. Wish to talk to you but you go so fast. Hope to hear from you. 021XXXXXX”
Of course I texted the number.
After a couple of exchanges, it was pretty obvious that my note leaver was a male and not a native English speaker. When discussing the situation with a few friends almost everyone I talked to slipped the word creep in to the conversation.
Despite being inundated with warnings regarding my decision to meet, I opted to have coffee with the mysterious note-guy.
Turns out he was pretty damn smart. I sipped away at a large cappuccino while he told me a bit about himself.
Born and raised in India, a New Zealand software company had scouted him after recognising his potential. A couple of months later this mans life was packed on to a plane headed for the land of the long white cloud.
He also told me that I was the first girl he had ever had coffee with.
He was 28.
The only reason people around me had slapped the creep label on him was because his channel of communication was so unconventional. Most people don’t leave notes on cars. But most people are probably too scared to ever make contact with someone in the first place.
When I first started talking to this guy, I imagined what it must be like trying to meet new people.
I tried to visualise what it would be like to be a man in a completely new country and new culture, surrounded by fast-paced English speakers and fully formed social groups. I considered how hard it would be to put myself on the line, to talk to women with whom I’d never had any experience. Not only that, but how difficult it would be considering English wasn’t my first language.
I have never relocated to another country. I have never had to forge new relationships. I can’t even speak another language.
I have absolutely no regrets about meeting him.
3) Club judgy judgy
Ohhh girl, don’t even get me started on da club.
If you’re one of those ladies who screws up your face when another stunning female walks in to the bar, it’s your problem.
She was not gifted a sculpted bone structure or voluptuous figure to spite you, she just got lucky with a couple of decent genetics.
She may be hilarious, witty, profoundly intelligent or being beaten by her boyfriend at home. You know nothing about her.
Going out for a night on the town should never be like a tour through the animal Kingdom. Exerting dominance though displays such as an upturn of the eyebrow, the once over look or passive aggressive shoving will not put you on top of the food chain.
Please kindly dismount your imaginary pony.
What gets me is girls (this includes myself a few years ago) who don’t give guys half a chance when they try to dance or talk with them. Although many probably are looking for a partner to share an intimate evening with, some may just want to have a jam or talk about something other than the latest episode of The Bachelor.
If he starts looking you up and down, touching you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, then politely leave. Until that point No Judgy Judgy.
Most of my best nights have resulted from a conscious effort to leave my judgy judgyness at the door.
While in London on a night out I ended up swing dancing with a guy who couldn’t have been younger than 40. He had this sweet tan sweater vest and Vans on his feet which swept across the dance-floor. Not once did he slide his hand past my mid back, draw me too close or make me feel uncomfortable.
Deciding to dance or chat with anyone has meant I’ve opened myself up to groups I would normally never have contact with.
I’ve met guys setting up start-ups with a passion so infectious I couldn’t stop smiling for 20 minutes. A woman who had decided to learn a new instrument for the first time at 30. And countless other conversations which have since slipped from my memory banks.